9 years ago

9 years ago today was the day that i gave my life over to the Lord. i remember it exactly and it has been such an amazing journey since that day.

amazing, grace-filled journey. full of bumps and bruises. and joy and tears. and learning. so much learning. that will never ever end.

hebrews 10:32-36


"remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering. sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. you sympathized with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions."


"so do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. you will need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."


i remember what it was like when i first started following the Lord. so fresh and new. and exciting. i was such a child of the Lord. in my ways of thinking. but i leaned on Him so much in the beginning because it was so new. i just ate everything up and learned so much.

i often think of how i want my life to reflect how i once was when i first really learned what it meant to be a Christ-follower. not that i want to revert back and forget all that i have learned along my journey. more so, i want to automatically depend on the Lord without even thinking of it. i find myself putting other things in the forefront of my mind so often. and i want nothing more than to have that child-like faith of trusting my Father and leaning on Him because you know nothing different. it's what children do...rely on their parents. to take care of them. and to teach them. and to discipline and correct them. to mold them.

so as i think back today, sitting in a bunk bed 9 years ago on june 28th, i can't help but think of all that i have learned. but also wanting to not lose that child-like dependence on the Lord. that fresh outlook on my walk with my Father.

happy Jesus birthday shan.
keep fighting and pushing and being molded in a woman of Christ.

first resolution

hello dear readers...

i have yet to share some of my resolutions with you (i seriously think i have about 20 of them), but i wanted to share a little with you tonight on my first resolution, which is...

*to grow to love the Lord even more, to live my life as a reflection of his grace and joy, and to grow in his wisdom.

As i wrote that resolution, i had a distinct view of what wisdom was in my head (and soon figured out that it was kind of a warped view). as A was reading from the book of job the other night, he came across a verse that spoke to him. we later talked about that verse...

'The fear of the Lord—that is wisdom,
and to shun evil is understanding.'

just a few days after i made that resolution in my heart, the Lord shattered what i thought growing in wisdom looked like. in my mind (and probably not correctly) i seemed to put wisdom and smartness together as one in the same. and pretty quickly, the Lord changed that view. (how awesome is it that?)

so my new resolution looks more like this...

*to grow to love the Lord even more, to live my life as a reflection of his grace and joy, and understand how to become a woman who fears the Lord.

that is the kind of wisdom that i want. i do not wish to become smarter. i wish to become fearful.

to develop a reverent fear of our lord is something that might be hard to grasp for me. but i pray that the Lord writes this verse on my heart and continues to teach me what it looks like to be a wise woman who fears the Lord.

i hope to share this journey with you blogland as the Lord teaches me.

until next time...

slowly learning

"therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" (matthew 6:25)

the same chapter goes on...

"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (matthew 6:31-34)


In the past few weeks, I have been reading and re-reading this chapter in my bible. it speaks directly to my life right now and it is taking me a long time to absorb and learn to have complete faith.

Being in SC now, i have done a lot of worrying. First, i worried about getting a job. God answered by blessing me with a PT job. Then, i worried about getting another PT job. I have already gotten a call back for a second interview. obviously God is answering but I still don't get it. Now, I am worrying about an apartment. A huge thing (in my mind) to worry about. I won't go into every thought that crosses my mind about apartments...that would take up lines and lines of my blog. I am just stressed. worried. nervous. antsy. none of which i want to be.

I constantly have to re-read this chapter because I am obviously not getting it. it is not clicking. I have been blessed tremendously already down here. I can see God moving and providing for me. But my heart and mind still race with worries. It's a hard lesson. My heart can tell you that i have faith that God will provide me with housing. But my mind takes that feeling and puts "what ifs" all around it and pretty soon, I am stressing and worrying like crazy.

So I read. And re-read. And pray. Surrender my worries and anxieties. They haven't gone away fully yet. But to surrender that to the Lord brings relief. It brings peace. Even if that only last for a bit. Then I'm back to praying more.

A constant prayer of mine is that the Lord be molding me into a woman after His own heart. A woman that shines with the grace and love of God. I think he is answering this prayer. He is taking my hardest battle and my biggest fears and acknowledging them first.

I am slowly learning. The Lord is teaching. I am stubborn and a sinner but I am learning. I am being molded and that is exactly where I want to be.

a week of learning

so my first week in South Carolina has come and gone. It was definitely hard. SUPER hard. still have no job and no permanent place to stay. it can be extremely frustrating, aggravating, stressing (insert any adjective for difficult here). but I feel like this past week the Lord has taught me a lot of things. A lot. So i thought I would share a little...

1.) He is ENOUGH. He is all I need. I am a very selfish person. I think we all are in our own ways. I would love it if my plans and timelines worked themselves out perfectly. They rarely do. Because they are MY plans and MY timelines. I have learned this the hard way because, like I said, I am selfish (and admittingly stubborn too). This past week, I have really learned what it looks like to completely trust in the Lord. So many things have yet to work themselves out here is SC. But I completely believe that the Lord is at work and has it all planned out for me. I need to continue to surrender my stubborn ways to him and let him work through my life.

2.) He is my ONLY. Don't get me wrong...I love my family and friends and A more than anything. But I have learned this past week that the Lord needs to become and remain my one and only. He needs to be the one I go to first. I am slowly learning...

Two very big teachings in the past week. All while trying to settle here in SC. I have learned to just give it all up to the Lord. He will bless me with a place to live, a job and friends in SC. I just need to put 100% of my faith in Him and have no doubts that His plans are bigger and better than my own.

I hope that all makes sense. I thought my family and friends would like a little update on my life. (ahem...spiritual life) I still feel stressed a lot but I have complete faith in my Father.

That is all for now. Had a great past few days with a bestie from Kentucky. Will post all the details on that soon!

above image...dev null