Wednesday, September 9, 2009

slowly learning

"therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" (matthew 6:25)

the same chapter goes on...

"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (matthew 6:31-34)

In the past few weeks, I have been reading and re-reading this chapter in my bible. it speaks directly to my life right now and it is taking me a long time to absorb and learn to have complete faith.

Being in SC now, i have done a lot of worrying. First, i worried about getting a job. God answered by blessing me with a PT job. Then, i worried about getting another PT job. I have already gotten a call back for a second interview. obviously God is answering but I still don't get it. Now, I am worrying about an apartment. A huge thing (in my mind) to worry about. I won't go into every thought that crosses my mind about apartments...that would take up lines and lines of my blog. I am just stressed. worried. nervous. antsy. none of which i want to be.

I constantly have to re-read this chapter because I am obviously not getting it. it is not clicking. I have been blessed tremendously already down here. I can see God moving and providing for me. But my heart and mind still race with worries. It's a hard lesson. My heart can tell you that i have faith that God will provide me with housing. But my mind takes that feeling and puts "what ifs" all around it and pretty soon, I am stressing and worrying like crazy.

So I read. And re-read. And pray. Surrender my worries and anxieties. They haven't gone away fully yet. But to surrender that to the Lord brings relief. It brings peace. Even if that only last for a bit. Then I'm back to praying more.

A constant prayer of mine is that the Lord be molding me into a woman after His own heart. A woman that shines with the grace and love of God. I think he is answering this prayer. He is taking my hardest battle and my biggest fears and acknowledging them first.

I am slowly learning. The Lord is teaching. I am stubborn and a sinner but I am learning. I am being molded and that is exactly where I want to be.


Jen said...

i think sometimes it takes something big to get us on our knees, and i think that sometimes god likes to keep us there. i think its best for us to be completely dependent on Him {and i think that HE knows that too}.

what is it they say? root grow deeper in dry ground. i know he's just growing your roots.

love you!

Rachel said...

This is a great post Shan! I love it. I am sure you're growing and learning more than you know...sometimes it's hard to realize it when we are in the middle of everything going on. I will pray for you an apartment...then your wonderful friends can come and visit. Keep me updated.

Julie said...

Hey love,
Love your post. Know your pain. I had the same silly worries when we moved here. How much I smile when I look back on things because I know that He is so faithful and took care of us. Even if it meant we needed to live in discomfort for a bit. It was fine because we relied on him. :)

Lyr said...

Great post… I needed to hear that today! Thank you!